Sunday, April 6, 2014

An Open Letter to all you kind hearted movie goers

I write this with a heart as heavy as the butter laden potato filled paranthas I had for breakfast. At a time when it's every twelve year old boy's dream to have six pack abs and charm the world, you might raise your eyebrows at the butter oozing from all sides and corners of my breakfast and the tiers I lovingly add to my paunch. But brother, when you are me, at a point you just stop caring.

I am sure none of you remember me although you'd have seen me a gazillion times - in more specific words, each time you put your common sense to sleep and decide to splurge on a real Indian masala flick and see a hero who no one can defeat and his surrounding admirers which includes me, way in the back.

Do you know that feeling when evil fills the world, making your heart heavy and face cringe and then the hero  walks in  - you look at him and then you feel like he fills the whole screen, that feeling of completeness-? No no, it is not because of his screen presence as they would have you believe, it is because of me, his sidekick or rather one of his sidekicks. I am sure it was more difficult coming up with the word 'sidekick' than making up lines and roles for me.

It's not even like I'm the villain's henchman who gets to flex muscles, dance with an item girl, eve-tease the heroine or anything remotely fun. If there's anything more boring than being the hero- the bright, round sun shining goodness, it's the stooges, little stars of goodness, yawn!

And, worst of all, I need to help make up stories, lie, beg, plead with the love of his life however hot she might be so that he can have all the fun. Even if I see the hottest girl in the world, however long her legs might be, however fat her papa's wallet might be, how much ever drunk she might be, the only reason my heart would pound is because it thumps bhabhi bhabhi, bhabhi.

And when the aforesaid hot-love-of-life is not available, I'm the one the villain kidnaps and ties up. This doesn't happen usually, because kidnapped, hot girl with hot legs is well, hot. When paunchy guy gets kidnapped, well, that's the point when ppl remember their heavy bladders, empty popcorn boxes, returning calls. So I get tied up in some unmanly position while silently applauding the hero mashing up the villain and his stooges, single handedly. I understand the point that the hero doesn't need any help to take on hundreds of six-footed, mean villains, but that doesn't need me tied up, I would prefer to be left behind to keep company to the moping heroine.

I even worked out and got a full-fledged six-packs, counted it and all. But then, the next movie was the one in which the writer actually put me in the screenplay and added a few fat jokes surrounding me. So, I had to watch my packs getting filled slowly with butter chicken and cheese pizzas.
Once I figured out that the more odd I looked, the more likely I was to get lines or atleast be the butt of jokes. I never looked back after that. With my ever growing potbelly I got all excited when I heard about this guy called Mohanlal who looked like a mini-elephant and judging by the number of income tax raids at his house, was quite rich too off movies. However, I later learnt that he could actually act, so phat went my hero-dreams too**

My requests to you net-loving ppl, who are already changing the world through sharing and likes on social media.

- Atleast five lines in each movie

- A friend/sister/maid of the heroine I can romance

- A long drawn script in which I am the long lost brother of the hero/heroine atleast in 1 in 4 movies

- Freedom to call the hero by name (gasp gasp)

- Please, please, please, no kidnap scenes involving me. Make the hero have sisters, wives, kids , all set for kidnap and ransom.

I do enlist the help of you righteous people to help me with my few, limited wishes before I lose my mind.

And, by God, if he leans his elbows on my shoulders while sweet talking the heroine, I might actually end up sloshing him on the nose.
You wouldn't spend hundreds to watch a crooked nose hero, would you?

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